bad decisions with good people

I'm not really that type of person to say "man, I need to get out of (enter hometown)" but coming home has never felt so wrong. Maybe it's because when I left, I left a knotted mess. I feel that everything was so planned and set and now I'm standing in mud with my arms folded, oh and it's raining. I've been so blissful. I used to shudder at even the thought of where I am now. Although I'm relieved and somewhat excited to see where God takes me, I'm sliding backwards into a comforting yet destructive place. And then there's that question that pop into my head every other hour, am I still in love? Honest and truly, I dont know. Now that scares me. Two months ago I was. It was real. It was so real and tangible and perfect. But now someone who I know everything about, who I told my every thought to, is not who he used to be. It's my doing. Why would he bother with me when I discarded him? I hate saying it but I'm just so confused with everything. Step back, step forward, two steps back, one step forward. Same place. Different me.

My brother is at the same age where I went crazy for a few months, the better half of the year. That is strange. I feel so much older than that.

I dont want any of that. I just want something refreshing but familiar. Break ups like this dont take a month to get over, they leave some more damage than a band aid can fix. I dont want to be abandoned and forgotten here.