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Lately I'm a big ball of emotion. Stress and anxieties are pulling me down... aka I'm not putting my full trust in God. You're always told never to put all your eggs in one basket, well I want to put all my worries and anxieties and bad emotions into this basket and give it to God. He definitely wouldnt drop it. I think He'll do a magic trick to make it disappear. And I'll clap and ask something like "Ohh do it again!" Only I dont want more worries, I'll give him a coin... or He can make some sort of crazy thing disappear.
Sometimes I really just need a hug but dont ask for one because I dont want to bother anyone, it's stupid. The onther night my mom hugged me so tight and I melted into the ground. She had to pack me back together. Then I said what I always say when I'm crying or sad which is "I'm fine, I just need to cry". The other thing I say when I'm crying about something that has made me sad is "It's just so sad." Amy Adams says it in Enchanted and the first time I heard it I got excited and now I'm convinced I'm just like Giselle. Maybe that's not a good thing.
My poor mom. She has so much to deal with, the last thing she needs is for me to always complain about my shoulders. I should start taking responsibility for that, she deals with so much during the day.
I'm working on an essay for my writing class and everytime I think it's perfect my teacher critiques it even more. It's kind of cool and reminds me of what God does to me. Sometimes I think "Hey God I've got it right this time, yeah?" And then he's like "No way, you didn't even give it to me to edit... and there are a lot of errors." I know I need that. I need him to give me tough love sometimes because I dont want to be babied through life. Situations are going to be tough, conversations might not go how I want them to, I'll probably never sound like Trevor does when he talks about something he has leared. And that's ok. The words God gives him are amazing and I thank God so much for it because I'm blessed to have someone so strong and consistent around me all the time.
Another reason I'm a big ball of emotion lately is because I kind of feel like how I did when I was little. If I was at a friend's house I wouldnt ask where the bathroom was because I was so shy so I'd end up peeing my pants. That's not the reason I feel how I do... I have not peed my pants in a long time. But I feel like I really really REALLY dont want to bother anyone for anything. Because sometimes when I ask for something or if someone wants to do something with me, I get denied and I feel like I've done something wrong. So I've resorted back to 6 year old Emily who doesn't ask questions because she doesnt want to bother anyone. I'm sorry to anyone who has to deal with that. It's probably irritating. There is one guy who I dont hesitate asking though, God. Because he's not too busy with stuff. And I like that.
I'm good at loving people, but what if I'm loving them too much that they get sick of it? What if they decide I'm a burden and not good to keep around because I call too much just to check up or just to say hi and that I love them?
God, I'm sorry I'm being selfish right now. I just watched a show on poverty and AIDS and the horrible situation of the world and I'm sitting here being selfish. I'm sorry. I need you to get me on my feet and make me walk a little taller. By myself I'm really gross and horrible and a burden, but with you, I'm better than that. I hate the person I am when I'm not looking to you. And I'm sorry I keep failing. Thank you for giving me infinite chances.
Amen. Love, Emily
Sometimes I really just need a hug but dont ask for one because I dont want to bother anyone, it's stupid. The onther night my mom hugged me so tight and I melted into the ground. She had to pack me back together. Then I said what I always say when I'm crying or sad which is "I'm fine, I just need to cry". The other thing I say when I'm crying about something that has made me sad is "It's just so sad." Amy Adams says it in Enchanted and the first time I heard it I got excited and now I'm convinced I'm just like Giselle. Maybe that's not a good thing.
My poor mom. She has so much to deal with, the last thing she needs is for me to always complain about my shoulders. I should start taking responsibility for that, she deals with so much during the day.
I'm working on an essay for my writing class and everytime I think it's perfect my teacher critiques it even more. It's kind of cool and reminds me of what God does to me. Sometimes I think "Hey God I've got it right this time, yeah?" And then he's like "No way, you didn't even give it to me to edit... and there are a lot of errors." I know I need that. I need him to give me tough love sometimes because I dont want to be babied through life. Situations are going to be tough, conversations might not go how I want them to, I'll probably never sound like Trevor does when he talks about something he has leared. And that's ok. The words God gives him are amazing and I thank God so much for it because I'm blessed to have someone so strong and consistent around me all the time.
Another reason I'm a big ball of emotion lately is because I kind of feel like how I did when I was little. If I was at a friend's house I wouldnt ask where the bathroom was because I was so shy so I'd end up peeing my pants. That's not the reason I feel how I do... I have not peed my pants in a long time. But I feel like I really really REALLY dont want to bother anyone for anything. Because sometimes when I ask for something or if someone wants to do something with me, I get denied and I feel like I've done something wrong. So I've resorted back to 6 year old Emily who doesn't ask questions because she doesnt want to bother anyone. I'm sorry to anyone who has to deal with that. It's probably irritating. There is one guy who I dont hesitate asking though, God. Because he's not too busy with stuff. And I like that.
I'm good at loving people, but what if I'm loving them too much that they get sick of it? What if they decide I'm a burden and not good to keep around because I call too much just to check up or just to say hi and that I love them?
God, I'm sorry I'm being selfish right now. I just watched a show on poverty and AIDS and the horrible situation of the world and I'm sitting here being selfish. I'm sorry. I need you to get me on my feet and make me walk a little taller. By myself I'm really gross and horrible and a burden, but with you, I'm better than that. I hate the person I am when I'm not looking to you. And I'm sorry I keep failing. Thank you for giving me infinite chances.
Amen. Love, Emily
posted by little_emily at 12:25 AM
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