i'm already gone

i will deal with this in different parts.
different parts that assist my downfall.
are you ready?

i was fucked up. it runs in the family, right? and since when is it ok to just push me out? you got what you wanted, so you leave me. like you're ashamed. i dont blame you. this applies to two people who i once cared about. i feel like i was closing my eyes and holding something in my hands but when i opened my eyes there was nothing there. everyone left, everyone left. and then i think well i brought it on myself, maybe i did. maybe i just fucked myself up and its not their fault. but what did i do that was so wrong? i was the girl with the shitty boyfriend who kept going back to him because he told her he cared. the girl who gave into something to feel good for a while, to be told that she was pretty.

No. i am a different girl, i dont do that.

i swear i'm good, i have morals, i'm all right. but shit, i'm not.

i fell apart a long time ago. and now i'm walking for the next step. i feel incapable of loving. but only the kind of love that i give to a boyfriend type. my friends on the other hand, that love overflows. but i was so broken. i am so broken. you can't fix me, you might put something back in the spot it used to be but it falls apart again once i open my mouth.

'i can fail before i even try.'

it's true. i'm laying in a bathtub closing my eyes and everytime i open them to try and get myself out before the water drains, i just fall back into my coma.

every body is the same. i close my eyes and touch, every body feels the same, acts the same, looks the same. i cut them out and paste others to replace what i once had. an undying love that died. and while i look, while i dress you up in familiar clothes, you become what i want you to be. a warm body to hold me. even though your resume has everything and more, you are not different. you are too good to be true, but you are just like the last one. and is this a crime? to be lonely and want that comfortable feeling? certainly.

i've never even touched a cigarette yet i crave them. i think it's romantic and symbolic how they comfort you and you become addicted. something you love so much but is so cancerous. so vile and discouraged, yet so elegant and calming.

i never wanted to be like this, or i did and i pretend i dont.

but i liked what i had before. my life, a sitcom, i watch me on tv.

so entertaining.