my rock

I know I'm posting this because I was inspired.

Maybe because I feel so warm right now, and my insides are spinning, but I'm up in the air. My life is on hold, I don't want to figure anything out. I just want to be, I don't want to feel like I have to be figuring it out either. I like how things are going when I am going, but when I stop for a split second I feel I'm falling.

Right now I'm not wearing a mask for anyone. But I don't like who I am, I want to put on that comforting cover again. I used to never understand why people would say they missed old times. I never understood. And now I see. I like where I am but I hate where I might go. I have a thousand and one options. I have the world. I just don't want myself to get sucked in. I know I push things and people away to make myself more comfortable. To assure that safety cushion.

I lie. I lie a lot. Not to some people, but to a lot. I lie for no reason. At times I do just to avoid things but other times, it would be just as easy to tell the truth. I need to paint. I need the ocean. I need that feeling when you dive under a wave and feel this rush of cold all around you. And when you come up you cant help but feel amazing. Why do I constantly long for that? That actual feeling. Why do I associate crying with feeling better? And crying with the rain? The rain is some sort of natural high for me. I just feel so right afterwards.

I don't know if we are right. I think we might be, we could be, if we tried. Do we want to? I don't feel like new. I want to feel new to you. If we just had that, we could be. I'm not wanted, I want to be felt. I want something strong, I want something real, I want something, I need life.

I want that feeling again. I need the ocean.

"This great evil - where's it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doing this? Who's killing us, robbing us of life and light, mocking us with the sight of what we might of known? Does our ruin benefit the earth, aid the grass to grow and the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too? Have you passed through this night?"

Because you scare me sometimes. You keep so close to yourself. Show me who you are. I want to see you, all of you. I don't want to hide.

If only the winter could come early, for me. I like the blanket that hides me when it gets cooler. I'm almost jealous, I almost want to leave too. Not almost. I do. I do want to leave here.

I feel another 3 week coma coming on.